It seems like I’ve become just another person to you…
I’ve felt like a second option to many people.
I was taught to treat people the way I want to be treated. Almost everyone I come across I treat as a first option. But not many return the favor. Is that lesson I learned a lie? It’s too hard for me to change that…Whenever someone wants to talk to me and I’m doing something I’ll try and stop whatever I’m doing as quickly as I can, or just drop it then and there. But no one does that for me. No one has in a long time. I’m a second or third option to almost everyone I know. Heck even my best friend and my boyfriend I’ve felt have treated me this way in certain points and times. I’m done. But I know I’m lying to myself.
I want to stop hurting. I want to stop being the second option to so many people. I don’t want to always be first, but at least once in a while, can I be?
Why should I even care, it’s not like anything is gonna change… Right?
Really…can I please just have some time with JUST you?
Whenever we are alone and talking it doesn’t last as long. I feel like I’m not enough for you to talk with anymore. I feel so easily replaced. I’m done feeling like a second or third option. I don’t want to feel like I’m under an inanimate object.
I say I’m done…but I know I’ll still keep trying, I wont give up, even though I feel like I should.
In the past few weeks, no matter how much you disappoint me, make me mad, or make me feel unloved…at the end of it I’ll always forgive you. In the end I’ll forgive. No matter what you say or do, I’ll forgive you-eventually. That will always be true.
It’s one of those nights when you’ve got no reasons to be sad yet your heart still feels heavy, pulled down by some unseen force, and your eyes glisten with unshed tears that doesn’t seem to go away. You’ve got a million thoughts racing through your head but none of them makes sense. One moment you’re missing someone then the next you’re asking yourself “what am I living for?” and wondering who really loves you. It’s like the spinning of a dice, the thoughts inside your head — all random and unpredictable. After a while, you turn on a sad song and try to distract yourself from over thinking, but it doesn’t work so you end up sleeping with damp and droopy eyes.
OH MY GOD THEY’RE COPYCATS
I thought they were getting “Cat Scans”
I bet they left a lot of “paw prints”
Slowly but surely I don’t want to leave a place in which I feel safe.
On and on again, these past few weeks I’ve felt this insane feeling of want.
Pushing and pulling at my mind. What to do?
Left or right, I don’t care.
Every night I wonder where is that comfort?
Always yearning for that warmth.
Silly and delusional, I may sound.
Ever so often I share these thoughts lightly.
Slowly trying to show you.
Taking my time and trying to be patient.
Always wanting to be so close.
You seem to not notice, or you don’t mind.
So please, stay. And don’t let go.
My first bouquet is a farewell present.
You have given me almost anything and everything I have ever asked for…except for the love and support I have so craved. I would trade all that I have, just to get that from you.
I hate how you degrade me. Why do you do that…it’s not going to make me stronger to anyone’s words because I only keep feeling inferior because my own family says all these mean things that shouldn’t be said with so much anger and contempt. I don’t need that. What I need is the family I use to dream about, not one that degrades me everyday…Not the one that judges my every move…Not one that is so bipolar to their words/actions towards everything/everyone…Not one that will repeat words of judgement|hatred|disappointment that I’ve heard so many times that I am capable of quoting you…Not the family that I have now…Not the one that’s unhappy and so dis-functional.
Sure you have never laid a beating hand on me but you have scarred me with mental and emotional scars that have not been healed, and is still taking so much time to heal to this day. You have never physically abused me, yet sometimes I wish you did, because it seems that that would be easier to get over than these scars on my heart and mind. I don’t know anymore… I’ll just keep this facade for now, until the time comes to let it go.
I want the family I’ve always dreamed of…But I think it’s too late to change that…I’ll just try and make sure that the family that I will build with my other half is the one I dreamed of, but not just in my vision it’ll be in their’s too.
I hope and wish this’ll come to fruit. I don’t want to make my children suffer as I have.
I really need to get away from this place. This is a prison. I need to get away. It’s so unfair and I want to go to a place far from here. I’m not willing to take sides, nor am I going to speak to you with respect until you guys fix it.
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